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As my last journal entry has been more than a quarter of a year ago (and I actually had to use my fingers to make myself really aware of that fact although I'm, in theory, at least capable enough in mathematics to know that a time span of 8th February to 18th (or 19th, to be exact) May exceeds three months), I thought I'd just write a quick update regarding my last entry.
No, my psychological problems haven't changed. As far as I'm concerned, they at least haven't increased, but they definitely won't disappear by themselves. In addition to that, I become increasingly aware that a) being as introspective as I am can be highly damaging to oneself (i.e. knowing every single one of your mistakes but not being able to actively change them - not because it would be difficult for a normal person but because I myself am the problem) and b) that I see my personality as the scarred inside of myself, invisible to the outside. Living in this house, with this "family", is frustrating beyond anything I could articulate with words.
But, while I'm not optimistic of the outcome at all, I've at least managed to find a psychotherapist. I don't really believe that she'll be able to help me, both because I'm not even really able to articulate my problems (introspection only goes so far) and because I don't really have many optimistic feelings, anyway. And in the end, even if she somehow manages to help me, I'll still have lost a substantial amount of time of my life - all thanks to my biological parents who wouldn't even be qualified to have a puppy, let alone four children.
So what am I doing right now? I've played all puzzles of slither link at janko.at (more than 400 puzzles) and Kwon-Tom-Loop (more than 700 puzzles) - and although I'm bad at estimating things I wouldn't be surprised if I had spent nearly one week - 168 hours - with solving these puzzles in the past half year. Of course I'm done now. And I feel even more bored than before. Artificially creating a diversion for oneself never works because you either yearn for even more diversion or you aren't even distracted in the first place.
I'm currently in the middle of exams again, having already written my exams in economy, religion, English, maths, physics and chemistry since the middle of March. Next week a.k.a. The Week Of Doom (tm) consists of exams in music class (my second worst subject after sports, but as my marks in sports don't count, it's really my worst subject), a theory test in sports class and an exam in history class (unbelievably huge amounts to learn for that subject ... although I'm not as bad in history as I am in music).
Speaking of which, my results for the first semester of Oberstufe were more than satisfying - or would have been if I would feel satisfaction, which I don't. My grade point average was above 13 points; the corresponding mark would be better than 1,33. But a) it didn't feel like an accomplishment (not because I didn't study for it but for illogical reasons I can't completely explain myself) and b) I still don't know what I'm studying for. I know that a good grade point average in my Abitur will be helpful later on, but this "later on" is so vague and distant in my mind that whenever I study I also think about how pointless it really is. And at the same time, I have an irrational fear of bad marks which I can't explain to myself ...
As for my sleeping problems, they've become worse as the school year progressed. It's another of those problems that really wouldn't be any problems at all for a normal person but make a huge difference for me. On Thursday (a holiday) slept until, I don't know, 3:30 pm or something like that. Then I didn't go to bed until seven am today and didn't go to school, either. It's not simply a matter of "just go to bed earlier", it's a matter of a fundamental lack of discipline and care for myself that makes me unable to even win against my sleeping habits, not to mention all my other problems (some of which may very well result from an exorbitant lack of sleep etc.).
We had a project in English class about creating a short radio play in small groups and then uploading that onto a website. We finished the texts quite soon (although mine became much longer than intended) and then obviously were supposed to record them. I still haven't done it although our informal deadline was already some time one or two weeks ago. I don't even know why I'm not doing it. I just know that I can't. One day I tried to record it and actually managed to start the voice recording program, then stopped after the recording the first paragraph for several times because I was so discontent with my voice (not being able to pronounce the "th" just doesn't sit right with me - not because everybody else in my class can (they can't) but because I think that I know the pronunciations of everything I write but cannot translate it into proper spoken English.
Oh, and I have my music exam on Monday and still haven't started to study for it. I will eventually study for it; my psychotic (if that's the right word - I had a presentation (my first one in this school year) in German class about schizophrenia and the borderline personality disorder, but I'm still not completely sure what the difference between a psychosis and a neurosis is - or if it's something different altogether) and irrational fear of bad marks doesn't allow anything else. But I will probably end up studying until like 3 am on Monday morning, and I will probably feel after the exam that half of what I studied was a waste of time (and it doesn't matter whether I get a good or a bad result in the exam).
Other than that ... I've read "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins, a book "about atheism", or rather about why belief in a supernatural creator is a delusion (I had to look at Wikipedia to find a good description), why religion is a (dangerous) delusion and what consequences result from non-belief (i.e. atheists are, in general, not morally worse off or unhappier than believers). So far, so hostile. But while I don't completely share his opinion (i.e. that religion is (nearly) only bad, and that its risks outweigh its gains (I don't know the proverb exactly), I like his style of writing, his scientific methods (which only take you so far in criticising religion, of course) with several pages of sources (both books and Internet links - and I like that approach a lot), and the general notion that belief religion (or anything, for that matter) is only as safe from criticism as (I don't know the exact quote and I've currently lent it away) the belief of a man who thinks that his wife is beautiful and that his children are wonderful (or something like that), something I can wholeheartedly agree with. The book's popularity (although it has naturally received mixed reviews both from scientists as from theologists because the book isn't completely scientific (it can't be) and because it can't disprove religion (which is impossible)) is certainly justified, and I'd recommend its lecture to anyone no matter whether they believe or not. For atheists, its summaries of reasons for the non-existence of a God and the arguments for atheism (i.e. what to retort to the popular "But Hitler and Stalin were atheists!" (Stalin was, Hitler's beliefs are not clear but there's no definite consensus that he was an atheist; and it doesn't matter, anyway, because atheism doesn't make you do evil things), its incorporation of evolution (e.g. evolution is not only based on random factors) and the consequences of not believing; agnostics might find some reasons to feel compelled to become outright atheists, and theologists and sincere believers still should at least know the arguments against beliefs, because they will encounter them a lot in the future, I think. All in all, more than an interesting read (from my point of view, the p.o.v. of an atheist - I'm interested in how other people I lend this book to will react to it, though).
Well, that's it for today. This entry took a long time to write and will not be joined by others any time soon, I think. I had a non-negative kind of mood today so while I did something that was completely unproductive for school (e.g. not studying for music class but writing this), it probably still has done some good (for me, anyway).
In the end, all I can say is that I honestly can't say of myself that I'm fine but that I also now have professional help. And my rational world view tells me that if somebody or something can help me, it's psychotherapy.
While I appreciate concern for myself, I feel (really) uncomfortable if people talk to me about what I write in the Internet in "real life". To me, these two things belong to two different kinds of worlds or realities and mixing them up is not only confusing but also counterproductive.
I think I'll try to write about my progress in the therapy, but that won't be very often.
See you around.
See you some time in the more distant future, I guess ...
I actually managed to get a bit less than ten hours of sleep today which, while actually great in comparison to my usual ... five or so hours of sleep, will probably kind of be a problem today - today I only had to get up at eleven a.m. because my regular first lesson - physics - didn't take place, I didn't have school before the fifth lesson. As I said, that's very convenient - but tomorrow, I have to get up at 6:45 a.m. again ...
I've always had the opinion that for me, no amount of studying for school could equal sleeping enough before an exam. Of course I've never exactly tested that, but I still think it's true although that doesn't mean that studying was obsolete. And it's not like I ever had enough sleep for an exam^^. Well, I'll try as I always do ...
We got back several exams from before the holidays - from religion class, German class, music class. I'm finally convinced that I overestimated the Kollegstufe by quite a margin - or, more likely, I underestimated myself because I tend to compare myself to those who are better than me at school (e.g. one of my friends had a grade point average of 1.0 (it's impossible to be better) last year, I had one of 1.5). But in the end, I think this helps me more than it hurts because some part of me always feels challenged to become better, a sort of passive competition without any real prize (As far as I can recall it, I've constantly become better at school over the years - I'll probably look it up soon) ... Anyway, I received twelve points in the music exam (basically, the level of the exam was ... low ... very low - good for me, of course, but it felt kind of weird that I could have gotten thirteen points - a one - if I had avoided one silly mistake - although I'm totally inept at music), thirteen points in the German exam (kind of expected actually - I've never completely understood just how exactly German teachers manage to grade exams, but I've always had marks in this range in previous years, too) and fourteen points in the religion exam (now this was unexpected although the grade point average of this exam was ridiculously high at 10.2 points - it is my belief (pun intended) as an atheist that I just shouldn't get marks like that in religion class if I openly reject the ideas taught there ... of course, I won't complain). So all in all, I'm surprised by the results again but also kind of satisfied with the results - after all, I do study for these exams.
I wanted to write something about moral questions today (I already wrote an entry with something like that shortly after starting this blog) and I'll still do that, but I'm sorry if that part isn't as long as I want it to be. After all, I enjoy philosophic questions very much although it's usually completely impossible to find an answer that satisfies everyone and leaves no room for counter-arguments. And that's what I'll use today. While I wouldn't call myself completely conscienceless, I tend to look at things that other people would clearly call "evil" or "shocking" and sometimes just feel ... nothing. I don't gasp and feel all sorry for the poor people in third world countries or the tsunami victims in Indonesia or rape victims or murdered people or I-don't-know-what-s. It's just that when you read newspaper stories (or, for me, if you read them in the first place - I'm just not very interested in news and we don't even have a newspaper subscription ... of course there's the Internet, too, but even then I only read articles that sound at least remotely interesting which most just ... don't), all you really read are words on paper (or screen). To me, the quote "One death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic" by Joseph Stalin seems kind of true - I would feel sorry if I had known a murdered person or things like that, but as I don't, I don't look at their deaths as tragedies but simply as facts. And although I acknowledge that this might pose some problems (like unscrupulousness), the other extreme - emotionally feeling for every unlucky person on this planet - doesn't work, either. After all, you can't spend your whole lifetime pitying others, you have to live for yourself (if you manage to, that is) ...
Anyway, a few of the more interesting thoughts and questions about this - about the "wicked deeds" mankind does all the time (I realize that this sounds strange, it's just a loose quote from an anime I watched, and I can't remember it exactly anymore) - are thoughts on when it's okay to kill (or, more generally, to take a life), when stealing is allowed, whether incest should really be forbidden, things like that. I'd characterise myself as very, very liberal (with a few exceptions although I couldn't name them from the top of my head) although I can't say that that's my political orientation - I'm too politically passive -, I just don't like conservative opinions. Of course, looking at how I see myself and others and how I grew up, it's not actually surprising - I don't like my family, except for Christmas and Easter there are basically no family traditions, either, I'm an atheist and all that, and finally, I've grown up with and gotten so used to new technology (in the form of the computer, nothing else, really), etc. - I've never had any reason whatsoever to become conservative (and although my parents aren't, either, that's not really an argument to become liberal - quite the contrary, actually ...), none.
So what about taking other people's lives? The first and immediate answer would be "Murdering people is wrong!", and I agree - but it's so much more complicated than that. First of all, I don't think that murderers necessarily have to be bad people - e.g. a murder by an insane person. In my opinion, this clearly shows that there isn't one kind of murder. I won't be able to give answers most of the time, but I am able to ask the questions: What's worse, murdering out of hate, aggression, anger, or murdering without any emotions at all? Does James Bond "murder" people in Casino Royale (I saw that movie with my sister yesterday)? He seems to feel almost nothing when he kills them, and he does it for justice, but is it morally right? What's worse, an assassin or a soldier on the battlefield? Both kill, both might do so for their own survival or both might do so because they like killing or because of the money or for various other reasons. But seeing both of them from the outside, without additional information, it's impossible to morally judge them. In a novel, both of these persons could be a hero, both of them could be a villain, or both could be some nameless characters without any backstory ...
It becomes even more difficult if you add other factors to the equation: For example, what about the (real) example of stem-cell research? Depending on your viewpoint, a five-day-old embryo already counts as a human and mustn't be used for research - or it may. This ethical debate is taken one step further if you remember that these researches could be used in medicines to heal or save people - is arguably killing someone to help someone else morally justifiable? Most people would say no, but depending on the case, I could very well say yes to this question. Yes, even if it involves "killing" five-day-old human embryo (Didn't I mention that my opinions would differ from most people?). And not just because I think that the gains outweigh the cost (I don't think this is the original expression, though.), but also because I've never understood why everybody makes such a fuss about the human life, that it's sacred and everything. Some people think that nothing is sacred to scientists. I disagree, but in my definition, nothing can be sacred to atheists. Not because they are bad but because sacredness in my definition is something religious, something that doesn't work if you don't believe in it. And, quite frankly, I don't believe in sacredness.
Let me give you a few examples: The most obvious example when killing a person to help somebody else is usually considered perfectly legitimate is saving somebody else. No matter whether it's in a movie like James Bond or in a fantasy novel or in real life - if the only option you had to save your friend (and if you had the courage to do so) attacked by a thug would be to kill the thug, wouldn't you do it? And wouldn't everybody say that as a last resort, killing was legitimate?
What about saving yourself? Your genetic survival instinct will value your life over the life of somebody else who just attempts to kill you. If you had to kill that person to survive, you'd do it, wouldn't you? Of course it's called self-defence in this case ...
I like the last example because it allows a mental jump to another interesting subject: As living organisms, we have to eat. In order to survive, countless animals (and plants, for that matter; in contrast to vegetarians, I don't think that the difference is all that great) will die for each and every one of us over a lifetime to ensure our survival. But if that's the case, if the life of a plant or an animal is nothing, then surely humans, whose evolutionary ancestors are animals, surely don't deserve special treatment, do they? If it's justifiable to kill animals and plants, it's also justifiable to kill humans in my opinion. I don't advocate killing humans because of that, I'm just saying that there's no special moral difference between killing a human being to killing an animal. Of course, it must be judged differently from a legal point of view because without laws prohibiting murder, the survival of our race would be in danger. Of course all the things I just said still don't allow me to just go out there and kill other humans - for one thing, nobody has actually done anything to me, then my conscience still wouldn't allow it even if my rationality would, and I don't exactly want others to kill me, either - I just mean that I don't see the big deal.
To me, the suffering of humans or animals would be the center of interest, not the fact that they get killed. Dead is dead, and beggars and kings alike become dust and dirt. But alive isn't alive, and there's a big, big difference between leading a life in luxury and suffering every day ...
Sorry, but it's getting so late =(. I'd love to continue this but I have my English exam tomorrow and although I know that this topic is controversial enough for debates, I have to stop it at this point. After all, I have written a lot, haven't I? Please don't murder me (pun intended) for this entry though, okay?
See you some time soon.
P.S. Time needed: A bit less than one hour and three quarters.
P.P.S. Aaand another day is over on which I didn't manage to call a psychologist. It's always been like this - no matter what it is, I always seemed to think of doing things like this closely before calling anybody wouldn't be possible for the day anymore and then I waste the remaining time simply because my unconsciousness doesn't want to call (I guess). Well, next try tomorrow...
Sigh. It's Thursday already and I'll have to go to school again next Monday. As I've mentioned already, I don't really dislike school, it's just that I don't really feel regenerated or refreshed after the holidays so getting used to the school schedule tends to be a bit ... exhausting. Especially if your sleep schedule is so totally mixed up in the holidays (ranging from six to fourteen hours of sleep, going to bed between two and seven a.m., etc. ...). Well, I guess it can't be helped. After all, I've tried to change this sooo often and I've failed every single time ...
I've finally finished the first book of the Harry Potter series in English - I've never needed so much time for a book that doesn't even have 250 pages. Of course I always read at least one other book at the same time because ... well ... I've just read this particular book waaay too often. Anyway, it was an interesting experience to read the English version of a book that you've read so often in German, especially if you can remember some passages from the German book that you always found a bit strange ... I guess I'll do things like these more often in the next two years to become better prepared for the translation part of the final English exam ... or not. I'm not entirely sure yet.
Today I finally a) felt a bit better (depression-wise) and b) finally had a few at least remotely good ideas for topics although having a good topic doesn't necessarily imply a good article/journal entry. Can't help that though.
Being somebody who basically spent a huge chunk of his lifetime in front of the computer (and, therefore, also in front of the Internet) - and who still does, as much as before - I just wanted to praise the Internet a little today. I won't be able to cover many things you can do, perhaps not even a millionth of everything, but I'll try to mention a few things that I found particularly enjoyable/interesting/useful. Either generally or, if I manage to find some, backed up with links.
In my opinion, the Internet is so great because of ..
- blogs. I just wanted to mention that one first. Blogs are a recent development, of course, but they are still very enjoyable reads, and there are generally many great blogs for every subject. I guess the blogging phenomenon will grow even more in the future. There are many blogging communities and lists of good blogs, I'll just recommend 9rules which looks quite promising although I haven't looked around on their website as much as I ought to. I suggest you to give it a try - the fact that their blogs are listed in several categories including topics like "programming", "anime", "writing", "education", "entertainment", etc. is an added bonus, I think.
- news. All major newspapers also have websites where you can find latest news, including a wide variety of views. I have no idea how I found these specific articles, but I read these articles today, for example. Yes, among all the news there will probably be some rubbish, but still ... if you aren't overwhelmed by the huge amount of news and information, you can make good use of it. Or simply enjoy it. Or both.
- gaming. Playing via the Internet is simply an amazing experience that doesn't necessarily have any drawbacks if you don't do it in excess (like I used to). For me, it was perhaps the only real hobby I had that included playing with other people (although I was still very passive in every game I played). MMORPGs like WoW are perhaps the best example for this although online gaming doesn't necessarily have to cost anything (well, it does require an Internet connection).
- Wikipedia, other encyclopedias and search engines. Online sources might not be as reliable as offline sources - books, etc. - but they are so much more accessible. You will find something, no matter what you are looking for, if you search for the right terms. Of course, you have to be used to search engines or you will be overwhelmed by websites you aren't interested in. And did I mention that you don't have to own tons of heavy books if you use websites like Wikipedia (although, again, a combination of both is probably better)?
- global interaction. Forums, games, communities, blogs, chats, e-mails - no matter what it is, you are interacting with people from around the globe. They may be thousands of kilometres or miles away, but you can still chat with them, e-mail them. Interact with them.
- anonymity. Yes, anonymity can be abused. But it also has tremendous advantages. You can create your own presence in the Internet even if it's different to your real life - for example, somebody who may always be intimidated by others in real life may feel more safe in conversations on the Internet, perhaps even feeling more accepted. I've never really used this option myself, but it's definitely there.
- file sharing. Yes, it's illegal. No, that doesn't matter to me. Illegal doesn't mean "morally wrong", it just doesn't. The popular comparison of comparing file sharing with shoplifting is just wrong. If I illegally download a movie (e.g. an anime) via file sharing, I don't steal it. And if I wasn't able to get it via file sharing, I would not buy it, either. The shop doesn't lose any money because of me, no matter whether I download the file or not, because I never was a potential customer. The only thing I can be accused of is copyright infringement. You can be accused of copyright infringement if you make extensive use of unnaturally large and unnecessary quotations. Yes, it's illegal, but it's just not a big deal. In my opinion, the fear of file sharing can be compared to the fear of mighty rulers (corporations) who are afraid of the poor, suppressed peasants (file sharers). Those who have the power make the laws, but they can't pass moral judgement, too. (Sorry for getting carried away, and I realize that the comparisons aren't entirely accurate.)
- websites like www.answers.com, www.soyouwanna.com, www.about.com and other online guides. I simply like the fact that these websites exist, although they may not always be entirely accurate or very detailed. It's the principle of the thing - you can ask something and somebody will answer your question, for free no less (!) - or somebody asked already and you can find an answer/a guide for basically everything there is. I still don't understand exactly how these websites finance themselves - I just can't believe that Internet advertising is so effective, but it apparently is. And the guides from some websites are actually very good!
There are tons of things that are just as interesting and that I haven't mentioned - web comics, video sharing communities (e.g. Youtube or Google Video), the fact that there are websites and communities for every topic on this planet - I just don't have time or space to mention them all. In the end, the Internet is one of the greatest inventions ever, I think. Of course it depends on countless other inventions, so that may not be entirely accurate, but still ...
Anyway, that's it for today. See you some time soon.
P.S. Time needed: About one hour.
Hi there! Here I am again. I'm not really sure what to write about today, but I at least wanted to write something. And I'm quite proud about myself for being awake at this time in the holidays ... after all, I went to bed at 2 am today and woke up at 10 am or so - which is very, very, very uncommon for me. Compared to getting up at 5 pm, this is ... an improvement. Of course, I'm a little tired now, but still ...
New Year's Eve was nearly the same as usual, too. This year we ate Chinese food and a few other people were there, too. Then we went outside and let the small children have fun with the fireworks. But in the end, it's all just very, very boring. And I can't understand why people enjoy it so much. In the end, fireworks are nothing more than the things that excite children - flashy colours, loud bangs and explosions, things like that. And I don't really understand why people celebrate it, either. After all, it just means being one year closer to death ... or one day, to be more precise.
New Year's resolutions don't make any more sense to me, either. I don't make resolutions, and I don't really think I've ever made them. After all, they are usually broken shortly after they are made, I wouldn't know what to make a resolution about, anyway, and in the end, if you need a special day like New Year's Eve to make a resolution, you can't be that serious about it, anyway. At least I couldn't.
Having to write on my own without anyone telling me what to write is quite difficult - of course there are numerous things I could write about, but it never seems to be the right time for them. Or I'm not in the mood to write about them. Or I don't have enough time (okay, that may be a problem for other people, but not for me). Or I can't find the right words. Or other things like that ...
Well, then I'll just write a bit more about school, marks, things like that. One of the girlfriends (this particular piece of the English language still feels ... strange - after all, the normal, female friends of a girl are called girlfriends, but the normal, male friends of a boy are called friends) of my sister who decided to go to Gymnasium after Realschule and who is currently in something like a transition (?) class (Realschule ends at 10th grade, and the Kollegstufe of Gymnasium starts at 12th grade, so the pupils of Realschule have to learn all the things they didn't learn at Gymnasium in this year) asked me some questions about the Gymnasium and about the Kollegstufe, some of which kind of startled me. She seemed ... well ... quite concerned about her marks. Of course, the transition from Realschule to Gymnasium must be kind of sudden for your marks, which is probably even more true if you actually were very good in Realschule and now your grade point average dropped by one whole mark or so in this transition class. I still don't really understand why one could be concerned about it. I just don't. I always tell myself that I still care about school too much for no good reason - about marks, at least, as active participation in class makes a whole world of difference for your experience of school and it costs absolutely nothing, neither time nor anything else, so I'd never change that - while she seemed to care so much about it. Of course I told her that I'm not really the best example to compare herself to - after all, I do get good marks, and I was kind of surprised about them myself at the beginning -, but I still don't get it. Or perhaps that's not the most accurate expression. What I mean is that I could never feel like that for myself. I don't even really enjoy my marks right now (not because I think that they ought to be better but because ... well ... they are just numbers, nothing else), so I just can't understand how other people could be so ... dependant on them. I can't be sure that I wouldn't act similarly if my grade point average dropped so suddenly, but still ... I just can't imagine it.
Although I study for school and although I try to get good marks, I don't do it for any real reason. I absolutely can't imagine working in a real job for real money later on, and I can't imagine what it's like at university, either. I don't know why I'd actually want to have my own job, either. I just have an uncommon connection to money. I can't imagine what I'd do if I suddenly earned anything on my own. I don't really spend more than two hundred euros every year. Of course, I don't buy my clothes, the things I need for school, and so on, but I don't need new clothes, either. I just wear new ones if I my mother buys me some, but I don't really care about any of that. My room is so very, very empty, too. Some books, some magazines (some with sudokus and other puzzles, the rest about computer games) - which I don't really buy anymore, either -, lots of things about DSA ("Das Schwarze Auge", a German pen & paper role-playing game which I already mentioned a few times previously) - which I don't buy anymore, either - and lots of computer games - which I don't buy anymore, either. No music CDs, no CD player, no videos, no television, no things normal teenagers would have. Hell, I don't even know what normal teenagers have. I just now that all I need is a computer. No, I'm not happy with it. I never said that. I'm just not more happy with anything else, neither with music, nor with social contact, nor sports (brrrr), nor anything else.
I guess I could say I'm infinitely bored. All the time, no matter what I do, I'm bored. Nothing manages to keep my interest, and while I can watch a movie and maybe laugh about jokes in it, enjoy the storyline, and so on, I return to my bored state as soon as it's finished, often times before it's finished. Or I play some games of freecell while I watch a movie. I've played about 1600 games of freecell so far, probably more ...
Surfing the Internet, reading blogs, watching stupid funny movies from YouTube or Google Videos or sources like that - everything is just so completely arbitrary ..
That being said, I just don't understand how anybody could actually be concerned about his or her marks. I don't understand why they'd have to finish school with a good grade point average. Oh, of course, I understand that it's preferable to a worse grade point average, but still ... I just don't understand it. I don't understand how people can work towards a goal because I don't have any goals at all. I have no idea whatsoever what a goal for me could be, either. I'm just ... well ... vegetating from moment to moment without goal or purpose. It just doesn't make any difference what I do - as soon as I'm finished with doing it or even before that, I become bored again. Perhaps I never actually stop being bored ...
Well, that's it for today. I'm still bored. See you tomorrow or whenever.
P.S. Time needed: One hour.
boredInterestingly enough, writing feels a bit ... rusty now, I guess. Which shows that, on the one hand, regularly writing entries in this journal has definitely helped me to become more fluent in English (well, at least in writing it) - and on the other hand, the long pause already has negative impacts on that. Thinking of fitting words and prepositions takes longer than before. Well, I'll have to live with that. I guess language skills - skills in foreign languages - are like plants: No matter how beautiful a plant is, no matter how lively, in the end, it's guaranteed to wither and to die if you don't regularly water it. Our second exam in English is on January 11, shortly after the end of the Christmas holidays, and I guess it won't hurt to update more regularly (if I find a good topic). After all, I still want to get good marks for some reason unknown to me.
So what's happened? Well, naturally, I've "survived" the first part of this school year with a total of nine exams, a theory test in sports (The only test/exam that I didn't really study for (which still means that I read all the rules twice) - but as trying to teach me sports rules is completely hopeless, it didn't really matter. And after all, my marks in sports class won't appear in my final certificate ...), several tests in several subjects, including an announced multiple choice test in German class about "Maria Stuart" by Schiller in which nobody managed to get fifteen points because there was a question that basically everybody understood differently than our teacher - but she didn't want to give us the point for this question because the grade point average was already too good. After all, there were several people with fourteen points, including me ... I stand by my point: Multiple choice tests are easy (at least at school). My last day of school was Thursday because, as previously mentioned, I still had an outstanding surgery because it didn't work out in November. So on Friday, I had to get up at shortly after 6 am (basically, too early), be at the hospital at 7 am and wait one hour and a half before I had my surgery (I'm not going to mention what it was about again) - with a narcosis instead of a local anaesthesia. Basically, the conscious part of the surgery was over very fast - I was brought to a surgery room or however it's called, then got a syringe into my left arm, and then I fell asleep shortly after the injection. When I woke up, the surgery was done, but I had to wait a few hours before I was allowed to go home. And it's still so very, very, very annoying whenever I walk around in the house, not even mentioning that I certainly won't try to ride a bike for a while ...
And then the holidays. Christmas was slightly different from usual - one of my cousins (I don't know ... eight, nine years old?) had a small case of blood poisoning from an infected wound last week, and as she had to stay at the hospital for a few days, it wasn't certain whether she would be able to there on Christmas or not, and as we celebrate (...) Christmas together with the families of two of my uncles, it wasn't certain whether we could do that. Anyway, it worked out, and then it was as usual: Going to the church (something I never do if I'm not forced to, i.e. on Christmas, Easter, etc. - after all, I'm an atheist ...), being bored to death, then going to the house of one of my uncles and celebrating (...) Christmas there, eating dinner and singing Christmas carols before unpacking the presents. Christmas is always (very) slightly nice, because while yes, it's not bad to see your relatives, it also means seeing your relatives (you know what I mean - the usual remarks of relatives tend to be of various degrees of embarrassment), having to go to church (which I hate), etc. In the end, Christmas is not more for me than it is for most other people who celebrate it (that's why I put a "(...)" after the word "celebrating" before - because I technically don't celebrate it) - a day on which you get presents. Doesn't sound very nice, but it's the truth for more people than just me.
Anyway, my Christmas presents were quite good actually and much appreciated (with a much higher monetary value than usual, so don't think I always get this much (although there are probably many people who get much more than that)): I got the "His Dark Materials" series (you might know this one - it consists of "The Golden Compass", "The Subtle Knife", and "The Amber Spyglass") - in English, of course. I'm not sure whether I'll keep it, though. I have already read the books in German before and although I liked the style of writing and the story, I disliked the ending of the trilogy so much that it left a bad aftertaste long after I had read it. And while that's probably not fair to the series, I don't feel like reading more than 1200 pages if I won't like the ending anyway. But if I give this series back, I'll definitely exchange it for other English fantasy novels. I and my sister also received five more books by Tamora Pierce, the "The Circle Opens" series and a single novel belonging to the same fantasy universe, "The Will of the Empress". Although I technically only got the latter book, I'm still going to be able to read all of them, so I thought I'd mention them, especially because we now own all books by Tamora Pierce (she might have written one or two more books by now, but if she has, the series these belong to aren't completed yet, so we probably won't buy them until they are) in either German or English. If you like fantasy novels for teenagers, I suggest you to give her books a try. Apart from a tiny but nevertheless funny little rabbit/hare/bunny (I don't really know the difference anyway) made of clay that I received from one of my little cousins (her remark "It has glasses!" was quite funny^^ - if I haven't mentioned it already, I have glasses, too (quite strong ones, actually) - I'm short-sighted by the way), I also got a small silver ring from my father and my sister in the form of a Chinese dragon. I don't care about appearance at all so I don't have any jewellery whatsoever, but if there's one thing I'd wear as jewellery, it's jewellery that's connected with fantasy worlds. Magical signs, fantastical creatures, things like that. Not because I believe in the existence or positive attributes associated with them (e.g. luck in the case of the Chinese dragon) but simply because I like fantasy worlds. I'm not sure whether I'll always wear the ring or not, but I guess I will. If I manage to get used to wearing rings, that is ...
And finally, I also got my biggest (both in size and in value) wish: A 20'' widescreen LCD display (the SyncMaster 205 BW if you are interested in the model) which replaced my old 17'' CRT. In addition to the fact that a LCD is better for the eyes as far as I know (certainly better for them than my very, very old CRT was), I also wanted a widescreen display. Although the display of my LCD is much bigger than the one of my old CRT, I now have much more room on my table simply because the LCD display's depth is almost non-existent whereas my CRT's depth was approximately as long as its width ...
Now I just need a new computer to start playing computer games again - if I want to, that is. And I'm not sure yet. After all, playing computer games is as much of a waste of time as everything else I do at the moment. My problem doesn't lie in the thought (or maybe truth for other people) that excessively playing computer games would get in the way of studying. In fact, I'm a living proof that playing computer games all the time doesn't have to have a bad impact on marks at all. And I don't (want to) care about good marks, anyway. But I just think that playing computer games won't make me any happier than what I currently do (that is, essentially nothing - surfing the web, studying for school, watching anime (I hate words that don't have plurals because they come from a foreign language - in this case, Japanese)) - nothing else), and they will probably make me sleep even less than I already do ... Well, I'll see. I haven't made up my mind yet, anyway.
I could go on about what I did today (technically, yesterday), but I guess I've already written too much already. Anyway, I'll try to update more regularly again but I won't promise anything. In the end, I don't write for anybody except for me - myself -, anyway ...
P.S. Time needed: About two hours. I'll need a few entries before I'll be able to write as fast as I did before, I guess. And I did a few other things besides writing, anyway.
tiredAnother entry after a rather long absence. Sorry for that. And I can't promise that I'll update more regularly again. I need inner integrity to write journal entries, and if I don't possess that, I'll sit in front of my computer and do less productive things than that, even though I'd have more than enough time to write an entry. Anyway, can't help it.
School. Well, I still don't mind school, I never did, but after these approximately four or so weeks full of written exams, I'm quite sick of our education system. After all, it's absolutely pointless to press all these exams into this little tiny time frame, and I also don't get why I'm supposed to write exams in subjects like music. If I wasn't aware of how pointless it was, I'd try to change this system. Anyway, I hope I'll be able to endure the next two years. I don't think I've ever been as exhausted as I've been in this school year. And it's bound to become more exhausting ...
Anyway, I've survived my exam in physics class and religion class although I felt worse in the physics class exam than I did in music class or history class, for example, and that was kind of stupid. But as I still managed to understand the correct solution afterwards, it's okay, I guess. Religion class, however, was just completely unbearable. If I have to deny (I didn't find a good translation for German "verleugnen", I'm afraid) my own identity, my own (lack of Christian) beliefs, that's simply unacceptable. Yes, I did babble on about Christian beliefs, the way God was seen in the Old Testament and all the other topics we had in religion class ... but in the end, I don't have any connection to them. I just repeat what I've been told, but my heart is not in it (of course it isn't - I'm an atheist). I won't get the marks I want to get that way, and I feel bad about myself before, during and after these exams, so I'll switch to ethics class next year. Then again, I should have done that years ago ...
It's always difficult to think of a good topic to write about. Or maybe it isn't. It's just hard to think of a topic that I feel like writing about. I have a list of topics I could choose from, but that doesn't help me one bit because the ideas for these topics came from other days when I felt differently, when my mood was differently, or maybe the topics just aren't recent enough any more. That's why I'll write about ... oh, well, random stuff today if I can't come up with any special topic.
Anime are still fun. Of course there are also disappointments (e.g. unfinished series - series that aren't continued any more but don't end satisfyingly at all) in between, but generally, I enjoy them. There are stories full of clichés, stories about samurai and yet more samurai, stories that don't really have a story but are still enjoyable, and so on. Just like western cartoons, I guess. Then again, I don't really know - my experience of western cartoons is very limited. The important part is probably that I don't regret watching these anime. I wish I'd understand Japanese, I guess I'd enjoy these movies even more. But watching them in English isn't that bad, I guess. It's just so pathetic to hear people scream or generally show any real emotion (hatred, sorrow, affection, anything) in translated English when you can listen to the same part of the movie with the original Japanese audio ... the English voices often don't even have nearly as much emotion in them as the Japanese originals. In my opinion, the translators are to blame for that. But as I don't pay for these series, I guess I can't complain, can I?
It's also interesting to note that the archetypes are sometimes so different in anime than in western stories and movies. For example, there's often a young cat girl in the series that's highly energetic and playful but doesn't do much more than annoy the main characters. Or the heroes that can't show any emotion at all. Or all those young, ambitious but too reckless fighters that just "want to become stronger", etc. I'm quite amused whenever I notice archetypes like these but I also use them to become more aware of western archetypes which might be just as funny to Asian audiences. I haven't seen any normal magician as a hero, for example, and almost no heroes in the anime were muscle-bound. Of course there had to be some female heroes or villains with exaggerated breast sizes (Although the stereotypical event in some anime where a male character trips and falls onto a female character is kind of funny - after ending up in a ... embarrassing position, the character belonging to the "weak gender" (or however it's called in English) misinterprets this as a form or sexual assault and hits the male character so hard that he ends up flying into the sky or at least crushing into a wall - without any permanent injuries, of course), but I was also positively surprised that there were also anime which managed to maintain a good - very good - story without resorting to this.
Sigh. Looks to me as if I'll need better topics in the future. I just can't concentrate enough. Sorry for that.
Anyway, that's it for today. See you sometime soon.
P.S. Time needed: A bit less than one hour or so. With countless interruptions ... and I didn't know what to write about to begin with, anyway.
It's always amazing what a body can (or can't) withstand. I've slept for about three hours today (the last time I looked at my alarm-clock it was about 4 am). I didn't feel like going to bed immediately after my last entry. Anyway, I'm still awake now although going to school and back by bike was definitely ... interesting. Basically, while my mind seemed to have had enough rest to stay awake for some time after getting up (although it wasn't easy), my body hadn't had enough rest. I thought the body needed less rest than the mind, but I guess I confused something there.
Anyway, everything feels a bit slow and foggy today, but I guess that's the result if you don't give your body the rest it wants. Then again, I don't particularly listen to the needs of my body, anyway. But I'm still awake, and while I don't feel productive after having school until after 5 pm and only three hours of sleep, I can't really go to bed just yet. After all, I have to learn for physics class for the same nonexistent reason I learn for any other subjects at school ... oh, and although I thought that after this week, the exams would finally be over, it goes on until Wednesday next week, so basically nearly until the holidays. And then, after the holidays, everything will start immediately again with my second exams in my intensive courses...
This week: Exams in physics class on Wednesday and religion class on Friday (the latter one already sounded difficult before our teacher told us that we'd have to be able to cite passages in the Bible to get best grades - I mean, seriously, she sounded as if she really assumed that we had all read it already^^ ...), then learning three pages of vocabulary and three pages of information (topic: "Life in the community") for English class and reading the first two acts (70 pages; to be fair, however, it's a Reclam) of Maria Stuart by Schiller for German class (and our teacher will write a test about it on that day to ensure we've read it that far), both until Monday next week, and finally a theory test in sports class on Wednesday next week ... not as much as the past few weeks consisted of, but still enough to become sick of it.
Depressions are a funny thing. I'm not depressed any more, no. I'm not happy, either. But I'm ... I don't know ... maybe I'm too lethargic to be depressed right now? Or maybe it has to do something with having been at school today for so long? I don't know. Anyway, I did manage to go to my doctor's and get a referral for a psychologist (and the list of local psychologists to begin with) and addresses for two dermatologists (I got my referral for one already but didn't have addresses for any of them; I have to see a dermatologist for an allergy test). Although I'll take my time before going to any of these, I guess ...
The difference between being really awake and between merely not sleeping is apparent when I tell you that I've needed about more than half an hour to write this far. As I don't really have any time to spare (again, exam in physics class on Wednesday and in religion class on Friday), I'll end it here for today.
Sorry for any unusual orthographical mistakes in my entries, by the way; if (I don't really read my entries again after finishing them) it's worse than usual, it's probably caused by an insufficient amount of sleep lately.
See you some time soon.
P.S. Time needed: A bit less than three quarters of an hour.
Sunday night (well, 12:20 pm, so technically, it's already Monday). As usual for this day and time, depressive thoughts rein my consciousness. Everything is ridiculous. Our politicians are stupid, stupid, stupid, they sell our democracy for their own personal gain; nobody ever does anything (and I involuntarily support this mentality by not doing anything, either), everybody is simply stupid, stupid, stupid. And in all this political mess between our way to a totalitarian police state (e.g. wanting to store personal data, e.g. telephone conversations etc.) by propagating (unfounded) fear of terrorism and the attempted destruction of freedom and independence of one of the things I love most - the Internet -, I become more and more aware that I've never wanted to be part of any of this, yet I'm here, a bit more than eighteen years old, German, student at a Bavarian Gymnasium, in a life I never wanted.
I was born without being asked. For the past several years, or at least as long as I can remember (after all, the memory process is, unconsciously, highly subjective, and I have no way to know whether my memories match reality) there hasn't been a moment where I'd have answered the question "Imagine you were some kind of being before being born. If you had been asked whether you wanted to be born or not, would you have responded 'yes'?" with "Yes.". Instead, if somebody would ask me now, I wouldn't hesitate before saying "No.". In fact, I'd wish to have this choice right now to escape from what I perceive as an overwhelming misery.
If it wasn't so sad, I'd laugh at all this. Why do I exist if there's nothing that justifies my existence? Why do I exist if I don't want to exist? And why can't I simply choose not to exist anymore? Why does this body I hate, why does this "myself" that I hate, why does all this not allow me to end it? Or, alternatively, why can't I be part of these mindless but happy masses, unaware of the fact that other people break down because they constantly think about fundamental questions, unaware of the fact that our current politics mock the ideals of democracy, unaware of everything except for their own, puny, unimportant lives? Why can't I be stupid? Why do I have to think about all this, constantly, without relaxation for my mind?
I simply want to go to bed, sleep and never wake up again. And at the same time I'm afraid of going to bed because I'm afraid of dying while I sleep. My thoughts, my mind, my personality, everything is torn between depression and anxiety, between pessimism and self preservation. And I hate all of this.
Now imagine that my personality was different. Imagine that I was interested in weapons, imagine that I'd direct my hate and depressions at others instead of myself. I'm not liable to start an amok run, of course I'm not. I'm simply saying that if my personality wasn't completely incompatible with starting an amok run, my thoughts would certainly qualify for one. Then again, they aren't aggressive enough.
I'll try to go to the doctor's tomorrow morning and come to my first lesson (religion class) afterwards. I still don't have their list of psychologists because I haven't gone there since I was offered to come back to them a day later or so to pick it up because they couldn't find it right now. And if I don't go there consciously, I won't do it at all, I know that much. Then again, I've kind of lost the belief that a psychologist could help me with my problems ...
Nothing has changed since the last time I've written an entry like this one: I'm not happy. I'm not depressed all the time, either, but when I'm not, I still don't feel any positive emotions.
And while these depressions are probably (I haven't been at a psychologist's so far) partly based on a physical illness, their psychical counterpart isn't hard to grasp, either. It's the vicious circle of questions without any answers. Why do I live? Why do I go to school? What are my reasons for living? What are my reasons for trying to be good at school? What good does it do to be good at school? Why should I be happy about anything in my life? Why can't I stop thinking about all this? Why should I go to school tomorrow? What are my reasons to get up after going to sleep today? What do I want to achieve in life? Why do I want to achieve it?
No answers, only questions.
And I'm quite talented in falling into this vicious circle wherever I am, it doesn't even require any effort. A simple reaction in my brain, a simple spark of thoughts, and I'm back in this trap. I don't need an apparent reason. Today started quite normal (including waking up at 3 pm), without any especially negative thoughts. And then, some hours later, after coming back from the play we watched today ("Absurd Person Singular" by Alan Ayckbourn, but in German instead of English), it gradually became worse. And now it's almost at rock bottom ...
No, I'm not in this state all the time. In fact, my condition is only rarely this bad. And it varies in the rest of the time, too. But I enjoy almost none of my moments, no matter how hard I try. I don't get sucked into this vicious circle while I watch movies, and I can laugh at funny scenes while watching them, too. But as soon as I stop, reality approaches and closes in again.
What good does it do to get good marks at school if I don't see what good it will do? Oh, yes, I'll go to university. But then? Then I can use my university graduation to get a better job. So what? I've never been interested in money. My life centers around a computer with an Internet connection, a bed and food. I could probably afford that much with the money I'd get from the state if I was unemployed. I don't have a reason for any of this, or an answer to any of these questions.
And before I end this entry, let me give you a short summary of a conversation I had with my mother an hour ago or so in the kitchen: I asked her which (political) party she generally voted for, she told me and said she always voted for the same party no matter what it did because she had sympathized with its goals shortly after she was allowed to vote. She was aware that this wasn't really intelligent, but she has never changed this, either. [Things like these are the reasons for me referring to my mother as stupid, by the way.] Then we had a short conversation about politics with me mentioning all the things I disliked about them, after which she mentioned that I should remember that my life was relatively simple compared to theirs. I didn't really understand what she referred to, but she's right, of course. My life is still relatively simple. I don't really help in this household at all (I've mentioned my reasons for that already), I get up, go to school if I have to, come home and sit in front of the computer. But this isn't an excuse for anything. Perhaps politics are more complex than my life, but, again, that doesn't excuse anything. The people in charge of any country should be intelligent and capable enough to overcome any difficulties in this regard instead of working for personal gain and fanning the fear of terrorism. After I complained about never having chosen to be part of any of this - neither this life nor this state -, my mother knew that I accused her by saying this, too (and it wasn't the first time, although I've never accused her as directly as I've done in my livejournal), and after saying something unimportant, she then said that she had only gotten me for personal enjoyment. And that it was too late to change anything now (which doesn't excuse anything, either) ... I replied something along the lines "And that's your fault/mistake.", I went back into my room and locked the door.
Why hasn't some god judged my stupid, naive mother, why was she ever allowed to get me (us), why didn't anyone ever stop her? Choosing to get children isn't an altruistic decision, it's an egoistic one. It's the most egoistic choice one can make. Lack or insufficient use of contraceptives (condoms, etc.) when having sex can cause unwanted pregnancy, too, but (except for rape) it doesn't justify anything, either. I never wanted to be born, but because some stupid woman and some stupid man wanted to get children, I suffer as a result. I can sympathize with everybody who kills his parents in an amok run. Sadly, my personality, my ethics and my moral don't allow me to do anything like that. But I will blame them for what they did, and I won't forgive them until they die, and probably not even then.
And what now? It's 1:46 am and I have no interest whatsoever in going to bed if I have to get up again for another pathetic day, but in the end, I won't do anything different. Perhaps I'll be rebellious to my own good and stay awake some more, but sooner or later, I will go to bed, go to sleep, wake up at 7 am, probably without any depressive thoughts any more, but still without any happy ones, either. And then everything begins again ...
P.S. Time needed: About one hour and a half. And today, writing didn't help at all.
Looks as if I'll never be able to escape the vicious circle called lack of sleep. Tired as usual, but it's not as bad as on Tuesday (although I'll probably still get interrupted a lot). Today I got my history exam (which I wrote last week) - and I was more than surprised about the result. Fourteen points - after hearing what our teacher expected, I'd have been surprised if I had gotten even twelve points. Then again, I'm still not completely sure whether some teachers don't (perhaps subconsciously?) give people they like (or who participate in class, at least) better marks than those who don't. Perhaps it's not a big deal on the whole, and I'm probably wrong, anyway, but I know I'd have a hell of a hard time correcting everything equally. Then again, if there are students in history class who don't care enough about history class to study at all and consequently receive between zero and two points, maybe I don't give myself enough credit. Anyway, I'm a bit ... confused because I actually thought that studying would matter more in history class. But I didn't really manage to find even one question in the history exam that was explicitly and solely reproduction ... and I'm better at thinking and explaining in history class than I am at remembering everything correctly, because I simply have a hard time studying for history class. Of course I'm quite pleased about the result, but it was simply unexpected. (Again, sorry for the bragging. I won't omit my bad marks, either - remember, six points in badminton class, and more marks like that to come in the future^^)
Well, anyway, noticing that I do far better in Kollegstufe than I thought I would - at least so far -, I've started to ask myself why that is so. My perception of the world is one in which you can become whatever you want to become if you want it enough. It's not about bad luck, luck or destiny. It's about wanting to, really wanting to, and about effort. Luck can help, bad luck can hinder, but in the end, it boils done to oneself, not others. Of course, that view doesn't help me with my depressions, because there's the seemingly tiny but in fact very, very big question about the "why and for what ". Why and for what would I put in effort? And as I don't have any reason to do so, I constantly struggle to keep going. My view of the world means that if I just had some reason, some motivation - however silly, I would just have to believe in it - I could do everything. Become president. Or a bestselling author. Fly to the moon. Become a mass murderer. Everything. But as I don't have any reason (and it's probably a good thing that I neither have reason nor motivation to become a mass murderer), that doesn't work.
But so far, although I don't have any deeper reason or motivation to study for school but to get good marks (and that is, frankly, no reason at all), and although that means that I require constant mental effort to start (and continue) studying for a subject, I've always done it. I can't remember a single exam (the written, announced ones - of course, I haven't always been prepared for unannounced tests and marks) that I haven't studied for so far. None. Except for those I couldn't really study for - those in German class in school years before this one, for example. But apart from that, I've always done at least something for my school marks. And although there are always people who are better than me at school, I have the ability not to base my success or well-being on others (in fact, the only one who really negatively impacts my well-being is me), so I don't have a problem with that. And I think they deserve it - they study more (or better) and deserve better marks. And I'm in no way in a position to complain about my marks, anyway.
That being said, I consider studying for school - it doesn't have to be much, half an hour, nay, a quarter of an hour per day and a small part of all the free periods at school would probably be enough - to be an important part of being a good student, but by no means the most important one.
But before I get to that, I guess I should give you my definitions of "good students" and "bad students". Good students are probably relatively good at school (because they study for school), they participate actively in class (by asking intelligent questions, answering the answers of teachers, etc.), they don't annoy other students in class or do other things that interrupt the lesson in a way that keeps other students who may (or may not, it's about the principle) be interested in the lesson from concentrating or understanding, they (try to) pay attention to what is said at school, they do their homework (that's a pretty obvious point) and they don't see school as a total waste of time (or at least acknowledge that if they don't even try to learn anything at school, it will be a waste of time) and teachers as their enemies. That's my definition of "good student"; of course, it's by no means perfect and probably lacks a few key points, anyway.
Bad students are ... well ... bad students. Some points are simply the opposite attributes I've given to good students, some are more, some are less. Bad students
are probably bad at school (but not necessarily so), they don't participate in class at all unless forced to by their teacher (e.g. by being asked something directly), they might (but not necessarily so) even annoy other students and make it harder for everybody to concentrate (by chatting all the time without caring about whether or not they annoy other students at all), they don't listen to the teacher and basically just mark time ("Zeit absitzen" in German) without profiting from school in any way, and they do see school as a total waste of time, they don't do their homework because they don't want to, not because of a valid reason, and they finally often get into arguments with their teachers. Again, that's my definition of "bad student", so it's not perfect and probably lacks a few key facts, too.
Both things listed are stereotypical, of course. Humans vary, so students vary, too. And as I said just a few days before, it isn't always advisable to put everybody into single categories. But I use these guidelines when I think of somebody as a "good student" or a "bad student".
Finally, as these categories only describe a very small percentage, normal students, the majority, are the rest. Perhaps they don't participate a lot in the classroom, perhaps they don't study very much or not at all, perhaps they don't do their homework all the time, perhaps they annoy others from time to time, perhaps they don't pay a lot of attention, perhaps they are bored by school from time to time, but they aren't all the time. They also enjoy school at least from time to time, they don't see school as a battle between student and teacher, and anyway, they are just "normal", not extreme in either direction. I'd put students with good marks but bad manners (annoying others, etc.), students with good marks but no participation in lessons and students with highly specialised marks (e.g. getting more than above average marks in subjects they enjoy a lot and more than below average in those they don't care about) into this "category" as well as bad students who are interested in school but just don't manage to get better marks and students who get bad marks but try to participate actively.
Actually, the last two could be put into the "good students" category, as well. As I said, marks don't really matter all that much (for me, anyway - yes, I have good marks, and yes, I'm slightly happy about receiving good marks, but I don't try to get good marks for any real reason). "Good student" does not necessarily equal "only has the best marks", and it's no different the other way around, either.
Again, this was all very stereotypical, I'm sorry for that. I'll try to get into more detail in my next entry because I'm quite interested in this topic. And yes, I think of myself as a good student (I probably wouldn't have written this entry if I would consider myself a "bad student"; then again, I probably wouldn't write this journal if I wouldn't, either).
See you sometime soon. I'll try to spend the weekend with sleeping (and going to a play with both English intensive courses on Sunday evening), sleeping, sleeping and studying for my last two written exams next week (apart from a theory test in sports class the week after next week). I might increase my output of entries after those last two exams, but I'm not completely sure about it. In any case, I'll try to increase it in the Christmas holidays before our second written examination in English class on January 11.
P.S. Time needed: One hour and a quarter.
P.P.S. My apologies if you feel pigeonholed (nice word!) by this entry. Feel free to comment or criticise my definitions, and please don't feel offended.
